High expectations and disappointment are probably a good subject to tackle in a writing blog. I know I had my fair share yesterday. I think each of us expects a lot of our writing, especially in the beginning. I remember feeling so eager to write and be published. The long gap between first sending out my working and to that first acceptance taught me how to handle disappointments. I don't know if it ever made me lower my expectations, though.

If you have a look at my goals, as a writer, then you might understand what I mean. I do expect my writing to take me that far. I want to achieve and succeed, except when one of my writing friends described me as ambitious I have to admit to a sense of shock. Me? Ambitious? Surely not, but then I pictured all the negative images of that word at that time. The media, films, even books, depict ambition as deadly and often dangerous. When I expressed this to my writing friend she quickly drew my attention to the positive aspects of ambition. Now I say ambition is good, so long as it doesn't become obsession.

That same ambition, that high level of expectation, can also make the disappointments harder to bear. Waiting and waiting for a reply on a manuscript or even a query can feel like an eternity. When the answer is polite, encouraging, but still negative, it can feel difficult to push through and continue with your dream.

I'm learning to take disappointments and turn them into lessons. I had an email query accepted a couple of years ago. The editor took the time to point out the weaknesses in my query, but she did want to see the article. I thanked her for pointing out the fact I could've included more information. But by the time I got the article written up, she hadn't given me a deadline, the magazine ceased publication. Lessons learnt? Don't take so long next time and write a stronger query. If I had, she might have given me a deadline and I'd have another credit to list. Now I have an orphaned article that doesn't quite fit any other publication. Yes, I could rewrite it, but that's just one more thing on my to do list.

I've applied for mentorships, had my writing assessed by experts, entered competitions, and so on. Each time I've had my share of disappointments, but have reshaped that low feeling into something I can use. Yes, I have a lot to learn, but I am making progress. I'm not staying static. I am growing and learning every day. It makes life far more exciting to add disappointment and remix it into something that fuels my desire to keep on writing, keep on pushing to get where it is I'm trying to go.

So, I'm forty today. I suppose I'll look back on this day, my weird moods, and the fact no one besides my family wished me happy birthday so far, and learn something to make my life worth living again. I refuse to give up or stop.